Kaylynn Johnsen
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Austism Mama Writing

Rituals: They can get out of control!

4/20/2020

12 Comments

 
Autism from a mama who has been there. I am hoping to post every day this month. Please feel free to ask questions in the comments.

Rituals: They can get out of control!

I had a request for some examples of ritualist behavior. We all have rituals. I, personally, have to wash in a specific order in the shower. If I get distracted, I could walk out of the shower with shampoo still in my hair. It has happened before. Maybe before you leave the house, you check your cell phone, pat your wallet and grab your keys. Rituals, calm us, reassure us. They, in and of themselves, are harmless.

Unless they get out of control. I am going to talk about my son’s bedtime ritual. It started simple enough. A story, a kiss, a pacifier, and his sippy cup. Then he added that his pajamas had to be zipped low enough for him to be able to touch his belly button. (Harmless [at this point] stimming, also a gauge of his anxiety. The more fingers, the more stressed he was.) A special blanket had to be rolled up and looped around the top of his head. Soon a cloth doll and a panda were added. If anything was missed or given out of order, a significant melt-down would ensue. This was particularly difficult for our babysitters.

It was after a check-in phone call that we realized something had to change. When we called the babysitter was panicked, our son would not stop crying, and she was at her wit’s end. In reviewing the list we’d given her, we were shocked and ashamed to realize we’d left off the belly-button part. As soon as she unzipped his footie pajamas, he put his finger in his belly-button and fell immediately asleep. That was torture for both him and the babysitter.

I set to work. First, I had to stop the addition of any new items to the ritual. This was hard. Our son was so young and didn’t communicate at all. We all want to please our children, to make them happy. Unfortunately, this isn’t always possible, so get rid of that guilt right now. A few months after successfully stopping any new attachments, I began the heart-wrenching process of eliminating the non-essentials. How did I know what things were non-essential? Guesswork, gut work, and listening to my child’s cries.

First, the footie pajamas changed to tops and bottoms. He could still get to his belly button, and he wore socks to keep his feet warm. Next, the cloth doll; gone. After that, the blanket moved from the top of this head to the foot of the bed. If it was a cold night, I’d spread it over him. It was there, but not looped around the top of his head. Eventually, he started removing items and processes on his own. I just needed to help him realize that he didn’t need these things.

He let me know when it was time to end things. That last good night kiss broke my heart.
​
Celebrate the small stuff. Be flexible. Laugh.
12 Comments
Sierra
4/20/2020 02:32:30 pm

Finn’s bed ritual got way out of hand and bedtime was becoming a nightmare for me, but we simplified and are both much happier!

Reply
Kaylynn Johnsen
4/22/2020 11:43:13 am

Sierra, you are a great mother. And kudos for you for being so observant.

Reply
Harold Underdown link
4/20/2020 02:52:00 pm

Very interesting! I had read about rituals before, but this is a great story with many details.

Reply
Kaylynn Johnsen
4/22/2020 11:44:16 am

I am grateful that it was helpful for you. Thank you for responding.

Reply
Leland
4/20/2020 03:53:06 pm

I was thinking about how this relates to me. I remember loosing my wedding ring. For 2-3 days I felt like my finger was naked. It was a ritual for me to put that ring on and wear it daily. I even felt like people would notice that I did not have my ring. It affected how I felt about myself.

I think rituals or habits are really important for us. Good habits build us up. They prepare us for the day and to meet life's challenges. Bad rituals pull us down.

What you did probably had significant influence on teaching your son at a young age the importance of rituals and how through our life we are always changing them; we need to constantly assess them to make sure they are helping us.

Reply
Kaylynn Johnsen
4/22/2020 11:45:43 am

Leland, your ring comment is such a wonderful way to make a personal connection. We, do, all need to constantly reassess.

Reply
Janelle
4/20/2020 09:27:01 pm

We don’t face autism in our house, but anxiety is always there. We battle between the comfort of rituals and the unwanted enabling of this ugly monster. I have not found any answers, nor any lightening of the load through labeling or educating, but hope that someday we will find it.

Reply
Kaylynn Johnsen
4/22/2020 11:47:55 am

Janelle, so many symptoms overlap. OCD, anxiety, autism, so many disorders have similar problems. Life is a day by day exercise. Text me any time.

Reply
RJ
4/20/2020 10:51:02 pm

It sounds a lot like the struggle to manage OCD. Some days are better than others; all days are better when you have someone patient to help you take control of your anxiety.

Reply
Kaylynn Johnsen
4/22/2020 11:49:36 am

Having a support team is so helpful. And, like I mentioned to Janelle, so many disorders have similar symptoms that learning about one can sometimes help with another.

Reply
Carlene Griffith
4/20/2020 11:54:19 pm

Rituals are very helpful especially with my ADHD boys. So I can totally relate.

Reply
Kaylynn Johnsen
4/22/2020 11:51:24 am

Consistency and routine are helpful for most children, especially for those with any form of disability. That you recognize what works with your kids is awesome. Keep up the good work. You are doing great.

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    Kaylynn Johnsen

    Just a Grandma with many stories to tell.

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