​Autism from a mama who has been there. I am going to try to post every day this month. Please feel free to ask questions in the comments.

Congratulations! You and your teen have successfully navigated through two or three years of middle school. I hope.

My son has a couple of other complications in addition to autism, which necessitated an outpatient day school and Home Hospital for a few months. But we made it through 2 Junior High Schools in 2 states. Point, in fact, there is NOTHING embarrassing or shameful about accessing the available tools, whether it be an outpatient or inpatient program or Home Hospital! Let’s just admit that puberty is HARD for everyone.

High School! A/B days? What? I’d already had two kids go through high school, so I thought I was prepared when my son started High School. I was wrong.

As his 16th birthday was approaching, I was seriously considering pulling him out of school. He was going to be a dropout, and I couldn’t think of any other alternative. It just wasn’t working.

I went to visit with his counselor to discuss this, what I considered to be the inevitable. The counselor brought something to my attention that saved my sanity, his education, and probably his life.

Because of his autism, he was eligible to be on a half-day schedule. Lifesaver. We used a combination of home-school and in-class education. I have to tell you that teaching him at home taught me a lot.

Funny, true story. I was reading The Life of Frederick Douglass out loud to Matt, and I thought he had fallen asleep. He had. But apparently, he learns better in his sleep. His book report was terrific.

When my son turned 18, the rest of his peers were graduating, but he didn’t have the required amount of credits. We learned about something that Davis County Schools offers (in Utah) called the STAR program.

He could continue his education, as we were doing, half at home and half at school (with the school being in Farmington) until the age of 22. Matt did grade graduate at 20 years old! He has a diploma, and he is a high-school graduate! Something that at one time, I thought, was an impossibility.

He also received a scholarship to Spy Hop, a Film School in Salt Lake City (https://spyhop.org/). He completed their program with honors. But he decided that film was something he would pursue as a hobby rather than as a career.

My son has a lot of interests, and he has had successes in many areas. But he has also had traumatic disappointments in his work life. As a mother, it’s incredibly disheartening and painful to watch someone you love be so hurt. But our job is to bind up the wound and send them back out into the world.

He now works as an HVAC technician and uses his “special” gifts to help him be fantastic at his job. He learned really fast, only having to watch a demonstration once and then being able to repeat it correctly. As he continues in his career, his self-esteem and self-confidence continue to grow. Look at your child’s aptitude, interests, and skills. Where can they work in a career field? Help your child discover his/her passion, feed it, help it grow, and (if possible) turn it into a career. 

Celebrate the small stuff, be flexible, and laugh.

Autism from a mama who has been there. I am going to try to post every day this month. Please feel free to ask questions in the comments.

Junior High, when your kid gets taller than you and goes through puberty! 😥 And has a ton more teachers and homework and stressors and lists and requirements...
Have a meeting with your teen's teachers to go over IEPs and 504 accommodations. Find out if each teacher is willing to work with your teen. Some won't, and it is better to find out before school starts (I'm looking at you, Mr. Wr#$t.).

If your teen needs time away, have that in place before school starts. The library, the counseling office, nurse’s office, the ISS room; this is between you and the school. There must be a safe, quiet place that is available at any time. Your child needs to understand that this is a privilege, and it is not to be abused or taken for granted.

IMPORTANT TIP! If your child's school is doing 7 or 8 periods a day, only do the first 3 or 4 classes on the first day. That will be overwhelming enough! (Work with the school to decide how to work this out.) And the rest of the classes on the second day. Rotate the first week until your teen is comfortable with all the transitions (And we all love changes, don't we?). This may take longer than a week.

Have a written plan for each teacher. Stay in touch, especially in the beginning, when your teen and the teachers are getting to know each other. Most autistic children couldn't do two things at once; my son could take notes from an overhead projector or listen to a lecture, but not both. Help each teacher understand what works for your teen and find how each teacher will work with your child. You should have the same goal, a successful learning process.

My son could do the work but not at the same speed as others, so his 504 halved the amount of work. Odd or evens or ever third question, he was getting the same exercise but doing fewer problems.

The target (for bullying) on your teen is more significant now, his or her support team needs to be more substantial and more reliable. People are confusing, people are fake, people lie, your teen will need help navigating all of this. If you don't have a psychologist, get one! NOW. A social skills class can be beneficial.

Don't be surprised if there are violent episodes. This happens, prepare the school, and decide together how you want to handle it. The school's resource officer needs to be involved in the process. What happens if they can't get a hold of you? Our plan was to make sure he was safe, that others were safe and that I be contacted immediately. If they couldn't reach me, then the police would be called, and they would take my son to the hospital (instead of the police station), and his doctors would be called.

I don't want to scare anyone, it may be entirely different for you because each experience will be unique. The schools have had 25 years to work on it; hopefully, things will go well.

Celebrate the small stuff. Be flexible. Laugh.

Autism from a mama who has been there. I am going to try to post every day this month. Please feel free to ask questions in the comments.

Comfort: self-harm, stimming, and ritual.

Young children don't know why they feel the way they do. And some times they feel too much. The world is full of stimulation, we automatically block most of it out, but autistic kids have to be taught how to do that in healthy ways.

Before that happens, autistic kids usually come up with their own ways, unhealthy ways.

Self-harm: the child intentionally hurts his/her self. This flood of controlled stimulation temporarily blocks out all other stimuli. Running into walls, head banging, biting, scratching, are common; be aware that these are all forms of self-harm. You may need professional help to treat the damage and to help your child end these behaviors.

Stimming, although not physically harmful, is another unhealthy coping mechanism. The child focuses their complete attention on a repetitive motion blocking out all other stimuli. Hand flapping, turning in circles, nodding, and clapping are disruptive and can block out crucial situational information. Fire, traffic, and other potentially dangerous situations need to be the focus. As overwhelming as situational awareness can be, it is a vital life skill.

Ritual, almost everyone has some form of ritualistic behavior. From a kiss goodbye to saying "bless you" when someone sneezes, most ritual action doesn't interfere with the function of everyday life. You want to pay attention to your autistic child's rituals. Is the routine becoming more complicated? Does not performing the ritual prevent further movement, freezing your child in their tracks? Are there unhealthy ideas associated with doing or not doing the method? The earlier you can catch harmful ritualistic behavior, the easier it is to stop it and redirect.

Autism is a family disability, and you need all eyes on deck. Working together, you can keep that wall from building itself back up because it will try. Break that wall down and keep it down because your child is worth it.

Celebrate the small stuff. Be flexible. Laugh.

​Autism from a mama who has been there. I am going to try to post every day this month. Please feel free to ask questions in the comments.

Scouts and other social activities.

I know that the Scouts filed for bankruptcy, so fill in the blank with any group activity your child is interested in, or you are thinking about for your child.

Scouts, disaster. Due, in part, to his panic with any kind of list. He did like to participate in some events as long as he wasn’t “working toward” anything. We really had to play it by ear. If he chose to leave (we lived within walking distance), he was required to inform the leader, who would call me to let me know he was on his way home. Trust me, this is a much better alternative to a meltdown.

Camp-outs, fun but dangerous. He was, still is, great at starting fires! My husband had to attend any camp-outs, and when his brother got older, he could take my husband’s place. Make plans with your husband, scout leader, or older sibling to make sure that your autistic child is never left alone. Poor decision-making skills can have terrible consequences in this kind of setting. Leaders need to be fully cognizant of any medications and when they need to be taken. (One scout leader decided to extend a camp-out by a day. My son only had enough medication for the pre-planned days. This kind of spontaneity can be dangerous when you are dealing with autistic children!)

My son had an incredible youth leader who convinced him he could become an Eagle Scout. The timing could have been better, my son was almost 17 when this happened. He came home and told me he wanted to get his Eagle. So we sat down and figured out a plan. He got his Eagle in just over one year. But that’s because he was ready to do the work. Honestly, he hadn’t been prepared before. Have open communication with your child about their desires and try to keep their expectations and goals realistic. 

Sports, dude! Team sports were a no go. Nope. So we tried tennis, which should have worked, but we didn’t know Mr. Henry. (He was awful!) Sometimes something should work but doesn’t; because we can’t control all the variables. I personally don’t know many autistic kids that are interested in participating in sports. Your child might be different.

Choir, winner! Well, until the first concert. It’s one thing to sit in a chair and sing; it’s another to stand shoulder to shoulder on risers. My autistic son almost fell off in his attempt to not touch the person next to him. He continued taking the class but attended instead participated in concerts.

Be 100% open with coaches, teachers, leaders, and anyone who is in an authority position over your autistic child. They need to know what you know about your child. And if you don’t feel that you’re being taken seriously, pull your child out of that event. Your child is more important than an adult’s hurt feelings. You are your child’s most forceful advocate. And sometimes their only advocate. Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, walk away.

Knowing your child’s abilities and limits will help you walk that fine line between encouragement and allowing them to give up just because it’s a little bit hard.

Celebrate the small stuff (and the big stuff). Be flexible. Laugh.

​Autism from a mama who has been there. I am going to try to post every day this month. Please feel free to ask questions in the comments.

Traveling, to go or not to go?

We traveled a lot in the military. We moved, we vacationed, we explored, and when our son was little, it was easy. Then it got harder. And harder.

At some point, you have to consider leaving your autistic child at home. It happens, you aren’t cruel. This is loving, the hard way.

He was not our only child; we had many variables to consider. Deprive our other children of all opportunities just to save a public meltdown? Deprive him of experience? We had to start reviewing each adventure, vacation, field trip, play, or outing on a day-to-day basis.

Camping, our son was good with camping, but could NOT be left alone. Not even for a minute. Museums, one on one! Your autistic child will need your undivided attention, make sure another adult will be responsible for the other siblings. Our son loved plays and movies, but hated concerts. If we were going to a loud, crowded event? Get a sitter.

And this can change by the day, by the hour. One of our family mottos is Semper Gumby, always flexible. It started as a military family joke but ended up being an autistic family lifesaver. Be prepared to drop everything at a moment’s notice.

In the end, you try to do what is best for each member of your family. And remember that you are a team. Everyone cheers for each other! Supports each other, and “celebrates the small stuff.”

Celebrate the small stuff. Be flexible. Laugh.

​Autism from a mama who has been there. I am hoping to post every day this month. Please feel free to ask questions in the comments.

I hope you had a happy, peaceful, and joyous holiday. Now, back to moving.

Moving part 2:

Moving is rough for everyone. But, just like with holidays,  you can use preparation to make your child’s move is a bit more smooth. Discuss past moves, and what to expect during the packing and the move itself. Talk about things that will be different, the home layout, the climate, or the family schedule. Point out the ways it will be the same, own bed, a library, school hours.

When you arrive at your new home, introduce your child to their bedroom and all of its similarities, window, bed, closet, door. As you and your child unpack, reintroduce beloved stuffed animals and other favorite toys. Consider organizing their bedroom a priority.

If it is before the start of the school year, arrange for your child to visit the room and meet the teacher. Reemphasize the ways this classroom is the same as the previous classroom, window, clock, door. If school has started for the year, arrange a time outside of regular school hours to visit the room and meet the teacher. Allow plenty of time before enforcing attendance. Moving is traumatic. If the change seems harder to adjust to than acceptable, talk to the school about your child attending for part of the day until they become more comfortable.

Celebrate the small stuff. Be flexible. Laugh.